Research scientist Amanda Nguyen has publicly shared her struggles with depression following her participation in Blue Origin’s highly discussed all-female spaceflight. Taking to Instagram on December 28, 2023, Nguyen revealed the emotional toll the experience has had on her, stating, “Another dream turned into a nightmare.”
Nguyen, who made history as the first Vietnamese woman in space, reflected on the significance of the flight and her subsequent feelings of despair. “Everything I had worked for — as a scientist, my women’s health research, the years I had trained for this moment, the experiments I operated in space — was overshadowed by an avalanche of misogyny,” she wrote.
The spaceflight, which took place in April 2023 as part of Flight NS-31, included notable figures such as journalist Gayle King, singer Katy Perry, and philanthropist Lauren Sánchez Bezos. Despite the achievement, Nguyen faced severe backlash. She described the public response as “staggering,” leading her to feel like “collateral damage” in a media storm that she had not anticipated.
Nguyen recounted the aftermath, including a week spent in Texas unable to leave her bed. “A month later, when a senior staff member at Blue called me, I had to hang up on him because I could not speak through my tears,” she shared.
The backlash primarily stemmed from criticisms over the flight’s cost, with several celebrities labeling it a public relations stunt. “Publicly, it was important to me to remain strong, especially for the sponsors of my seat who made my research and dream come true,” Nguyen explained. Despite the negativity, she acknowledged the positive outcomes of the flight, particularly its impact on raising awareness for women’s health issues and her advocacy for rape survivors’ rights.
She emphasized the importance of the flight in promoting her research, saying, “The breast cancer research I flew was uplifted by the media bringing attention to women’s health.” Furthermore, she noted that her experience allowed her to engage with world leaders, amplifying her advocacy efforts.
Reflecting on her journey, Nguyen expressed profound grief that lasted nearly a year. “It’s been eight months since then, and I’m glad that the fog of grief has started to lift,” she stated. She credited her recovery to her community and friends who supported her. “When the days have been bad, I have held on to every kind interaction you’ve shown me,” she wrote.
Comparing her experience to that of astronaut Neil Armstrong, Nguyen highlighted the contrasting narratives of their journeys. “When he stepped on the moon, bombs rained down on Vietnam. This year, when my boat refugee family looked at the sky, instead of bombs, they saw the first Vietnamese woman in space,” she said, illustrating the significance of her achievement for her family and heritage.
Nguyen emphasized the importance of recognizing one’s past while moving forward. “What I’ve learned is that we never fully leave behind our past selves; all parts of us are valuable,” she noted. She acknowledged the support she received from millions of individuals who resonated with her story, stating, “Thank you for protecting her. It has been the biggest grace to feel that support.”
In closing, Nguyen expressed gratitude towards her friends and supporters who have shown her love during her darkest moments. “To every friend that has held my heart in your love… it is the greatest gift this holiday season that I can feel the fog lifting,” she concluded.
