A woman has expressed her deep concerns regarding her 22-year-old stepson, who is on the autism spectrum, and his potential attendance at Thanksgiving dinner. The decision comes after years of escalating volatility, including incidents of physical violence and online harassment that have left her family feeling unsafe.
In a heartfelt letter to advice columnist Annie Lane, titled “Protecting My Peace,” the woman detailed her long-standing efforts to be a supportive figure in her stepson’s life. For over a decade, he alternated living arrangements between her home and his mother’s, during which she actively participated in his education and general well-being. However, as he grew older, his behavior became increasingly concerning, culminating in threats against her and stalking behavior directed at one of her daughters.
Three years ago, following a particularly alarming incident where he threatened her directly, she communicated to her husband that she could no longer safely coexist with his son in their home. Her husband responded by seeking alternative living arrangements for his son, although he has continued to hope for reconciliation and improvement in their relationship.
The family’s dynamics were further complicated by the stepson’s inconsistent engagement with therapy. While he has undergone various treatments, family therapy sessions ended when he refused to include his stepmother, citing that she was “not his mom.” As a result, the woman has maintained minimal contact with him for the past two years, stating that while she feels a sense of guilt, the emotional burden has significantly lessened without his presence.
Now, as the holiday season approaches, her husband has requested that his son join their extended family for Thanksgiving. The woman firmly stated that if her stepson attends, she and her children will not. She emphasized that her fear outweighs her compassion, expressing a need for tangible progress in her stepson’s behavior before considering any family gatherings together.
In her response, Annie Lane reassured the woman that her feelings are valid. She emphasized, “You are frightened, exhausted, and trying to keep the people you love safe.” Lane highlighted the importance of setting boundaries for the sake of emotional well-being, reminding the woman that her prior support does not negate her right to distance herself in the face of ongoing threats.
Lane recommended that the woman communicate her stance to her husband clearly and compassionately, stating, “I support you having a relationship with your son. I just cannot be part of holidays or close contact with him until there has been real, sustained change — and good therapy — over time.” This approach aims to balance the need for safety with the husband’s desire for familial connection.
For those interested in exploring themes of boundaries and forgiveness, Lane’s latest anthology, Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness, is now available, promising insights for anyone grappling with similar issues. Readers can find more information by visiting http://www.creatorspublishing.com or follow her on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. For personal inquiries, submissions can be sent to [email protected].
